The first part of the answer was straightforward enough and came rolling right out: “That I’m the weird one. Like, my father calls me overly sensitive and acts like I should just ‘man up and eat his cooking’ – while he has no sense of smell! He literally doesn’t know when his food is off in the fridge; and his food is so processed you can actually taste the chemicals and the toxins. So, his tastebuds don’t work, but somehow I’m the weird one.”

I grinned and nodded, because that is factually true.

My other self went on, “Another thing that bugs me is the conviction -and condescension!- of certain people. You know, the ones strutting around like that chess playing pigeon.”

Ah yes, the pigeon. Here’s that pic, in case you don’t know what pigeon I mean.

One person in particular manages to get my hair up a lot, because his arguments are typically empty, but his tone of voice is so patronising that it locks me in.

Like, I’m a fairly intelligent person, but I’m also an extreme empath and when he locks me in I just block on my answers – to the point where I don’t even remember my own name. Meanwhile he turns on his preaching voice and acts like I’m the ignorant one. Which at that point is a fair conclusion cos, like I said, I don’t even remember my own name anymore. Ugh!

By the same token I get a little bit annoyed by people who implement rituals just because they work for someone else. Like, they just blindly follow rules they haven’t even tried to understand. And then someone in the comments will say, “I accidentally skipped a day, should I start over?” and one half will say, “Yes” and the other, “No” but they don’t really know why… That is not spirituality, that is superstition. So yeah, purple people…

Don’t get me wrong: I’m very much in favour of things that work, and you don’t necessarily have to understand things to make them work. In fact, there are definitely times when it pays to not figure things out. But where spirituality is concerned, most things can actually be understood. It’s not that hard!

So yeah, I was getting a fairly clear idea of the things that generally annoy me, but still my other self wasn’t done.

“What also bugs me is that, on average, people don’t seem to be given to introspection – and they seem to have no wish to improve themselves. But -”

And at this point her words suddenly took a surprising turn, “Despite all those perceived imperfections, they know stuff you don’t. And they do stuff you don’t. They hold a job; they have a partner; they get on with their lives… They do all this ‘normal people stuff’. And you don’t. So they get to go out and be in the world – and somehow you can’t.”

Here she paused for effect, before saying, “Or have you merely told yourself you can’t? Are you ‘that special’ – or… do you somehow need to believe that you are? Seriously, if you’re so special – so smart, so sensitive, so spiritually clever – how come you’re so stuck all the time? How come you always hit Reverse instead of Drive, even when you really – really! – want to move forward? And why are you such a hermit? Is it your wounding? Is it your introvertness? (Is that even a word?) Are you too traumatised? Still? (I mean, hadn’t you dealt with most of that?) Is it your fear of being visible? (again: still?) Or is it your empathy? Are you too sensitive after all? Too easily overwhelmed, too easily knocked out of the park? Are you too smart for your own good? Too proud to ask for help? Seriously, what is it with you?”

I listened to the deluge in silence, knowing full well that the things she now described bugged me far more than any of the things she had mentioned before. I mean, compared to this those other things were simply pet-peeves.

But the thing is, up until that point I had never really managed to answer those questions, because they ALL applied. And at the same time none of them applied!

My wounds, my sensitivity, my traumas, my empathy, my over-intelligence, my extreme spirituality, they were all part of the problem. But at the same time none of these things were relevant.

How could that be?

The answer, when it came, was as simple as it was weird: sometimes I feel like I am two people. Not in the schizophrenic way, or so I hope, but still, I can change my mind mid-sentence.

And on any given day I can as easily turn Left as Right, which, for the record, are opposing directions!

But the moment I turn on the blinker, doubt overtakes me: perhaps I should really go the other way. Perhaps I should just feel into it some more. Perhaps I should just wait a little…

Seriously, I can simultaneously defend and demolish a single idea. With facts!

And I’m okay as long as I can entertain both options, but when I have to choose, something happens. Or rather, nothing happens, because I freeze.

And so sometimes I really feel like I am two people. In fact, much of the time I feel people aren’t actually seeing me: they’re seeing someone else. Someone that’s also me, but not the ‘me’ I identify as.

And that’s not because others always perceive us differently; it’s something much more profound: they don’t see me because I tend to hide in plain sight. So it’s not even their fault that they can’t see me, it’s mine: I don’t show myself.

When I meet people, I sense on every level that what they see is not who I am; and that they are forming an opinion of me based on incomplete data…

But… how to resolve that? How to come out of hiding when you don’t really know why you’re hiding in the first place?

And how to make yourself seen when no one seems to reflect you, when you feel you’re always just out-of-lane compared to everyone else?

“Here’s the thing,” my other self continued, “In our society it pays not to be too smart, not to be too spiritual and not to be too sensitive… Yeah, bummer for you. So,” she went on crisply, “How are you going to come unstuck?”

That took me another six months. And then it all made sense. In those six months I found the key to my specific ‘personality type’.

Because here’s the thing: most people are not. They’re not all three. Most people are just one thing, or two.

Think about it: very smart people tend not to be spiritual. And very spiritual people tend not to care too deeply about the logic of things: as long as it feels right, that’s enough for them.

So if you do use your intelligence as much as you use your senses, your intuition and your connection with Source, know that you’re the exception.

 So tell me: Are you smart, sensitive and spiritual, yet unaccountably Stuck?

Then maybe your personality type needs a little something extra; something you can’t find ‘just anywhere’.