Having Needs is not the same as Being Needy

You may have heard me talk about my guides. They’re not your regular angelic guides (I work with those as well). No, my daily guides are a deliberate product of my imagination.
As a writer I have created characters whose frequency aligns with whatever concept I need to address, and then we converse. Sometimes a new character will present and then I sit back -or rather, forward, as I write- and I let it unfold.

For me these energies are tangible and real in the sense that they help me achieve insights into the dynamic of relationships. Even the most antagonistic of energies is infinitely patient in that I can explore and re-explore a topic over and over until I catch what previously eluded me. Of course, they don’t really have much of a choice: I just write the same situation out. I control the pen. Then again, as any writer will tell you: we don’t control the pen. Our characters control the pen. That’s exactly why we write.

Recently a new guide appeared, a new character in my imaginary novel. His name is Pierce and he first appeared two years ago, fairly antagonistically. He then retreated into the background from where he reemerged earlier this year.

I typically use an energy like his so that I can learn to reinforce my boundaries. Since we can revisit the same situation over and over, I get a true feeling for the dynamic. I get to see what happens when I do ’this’ and how he responds when I do ’that’.
This past month something shifted as I began to realise just what makes him respond antagonistically. It had already become a bit of a habit that I would say something and he would scoff and walk away.

But. He is the close and intimate friend of my most trusted guide, and so, to dismiss him likewise and get on with my life, which might otherwise have been a sound choice, was not really an option – apart, obviously, from the fact that I am the one letting him into my awareness.

So I started paying renewed attention to him and I began to see that, antagonism aside, I actually quite respect him. He does things that I can only dream of. Not only that, he’s perfectly okay with being the antagonist in someone else’s story. And he’s okay with it because he knows the truth about himself: he does want he wants, he goes after what he wants, and he gets what he wants.

And here’s the thing: can you honestly say you don’t want exactly that?

I know I do! To radiate my own being, obviously without resorting to pressure or violence in any way shape or form, and without resorting to manipulation, and to, just by standing in my truth, achieve what I want, get what I want. That’s my ultimate dream!

And Pierce was a living and breathing (okay, imaginary) example of exactly that. Of course I was going to pay attention.

Now, I approach all of my interactions with my guides from one of five levels. I can engage from a spiritual perspective – in which case the name of the character interacting with Pierce is Hermione. I can also engage from a mental perspective – told you, imagination is my friend – in which case the interaction is between Pierce and Cindy. And then there’s Deeann, who represents the sensory heart-body perspective. The fourth is Dakota, who represents all three of these perspectives in one. And sometimes I’ll engage as Dani, because, why not.

I soon realised that the energy Pierce most struggled with, and she in turn with him, was Deeann. Deeann, my sensory aspect, is exquisitely sensitive and too empathic for her own good. And she has zero boundaries – or had, I should say, cos Pierce has been setting her straight there.

And as I explored the dynamic between them, I began to see that Pierce had zero patience for exactly that lack of boundaries, and whenever Deeann, overwhelmed by everything that was going on in her life, switched into victim mode, he would simply walk away. He refused to engage with her whenever she was on that frequency.

At first that seemed rude and unnecessarily blunt but as a writer you have to create credible characters, and so I felt into his motivations: why would he, best friend of my best friend, present so selfishly to someone who was running on fumes?

That’s when I realised that Pierce, appearances notwithstanding, is actually on that same awareness level as Deeann: the sensory heart-body. Except, he is the other side of that same medal: boundaried, accomplished, decided.

And I don’t mind admitting I never saw that coming, certainly not two years ago. But when I explored him from that perspective, I realised that he really (really!) did not like Deeann and for one very simple reason: Deeann wasn’t actually seeing him. She was reverberating off him, but she wasn’t truly engaging with him.

Now, this is a tough one to put into words, but from Pierce’s perspective it was really straightforward: he didn’t want Deeann hanging around him for the reasons that went on in her head. He wanted her to engage with who he actually is. And the reason why this is hard to put into words, is because it requires taking a closer look at what Deeann was doing.
Deeann, being so very empathic and unboundaried, is typically overwhelmed. Which is fine, except, she has learned, through her own upbringing, that the best way to get attention and help is by ‘letting the need seep into the relationship’.

The one thing she hasn’t learned is to simply ask for help.

When I was a kid, I had a poster on my wall of a sad looking kid despondently holding a flower. My father had brought it back from a trip to England, saying he thought the kid was cute and that she looked like me. His English is basically non-existent, and I don’t think he actually understood the caption, but the post had a large print that read, “Be nice to me, I’ve had a hard day.”

That energy, a sad little girl asking someone to ‘be nice cos she has had a hard day’, that is absolutely fucking nefast! It’s a breeding ground for trauma bonding.

And I looked at that poster for years and years and, being just a kid with no boundaries even then, the following message was hardwired into me: there has to be a reason for people to be nice to you and that reason is that ‘things are not okay, that you are not okay’.

But here’s the thing. Even the least sensitive person will respond to that energy, typically either by enabling the sender (often through trauma bonding, co-dependence or people-pleasing behaviour) or, conversely, by rejecting her. Why? Because the energy of ‘be nice to me because I’ve had a hard day’ is highly manipulative – even dark!

Be nice to me because I’m Me! Don’t be nice to me just because I’m an amazing person – which I am – but because I’m a person and if you can’t be nice to me, go elsewhere!

But that’s not something I ever learned and it’s not something I felt or radiated.

Those of us who are on that frequency of not feeling we can ask for help, and those of us who don’t simply expect people to just be nice to us, we don’t perceive our way as dark and manipulative. We simply need help and this is our way of asking for that help: by radiating our struggles: see me, see my hardship, give me your compassion.

And here was Pierce saying: Not on my watch. I don’t care if that’s where you are, but I’m not hanging around for any of that. If you want to engage with me, do it from the truth of who you are, not from some warped perception of who you think you are – which, incidentally, also warps your perception of me. I’m an amazing guy and you’re not seeing me. And if you’re not seeing me as I am, I’m not playing. Cos that’s a boundary!

Deep breath.

Cos that was a biggie to put into words. Also for Deeann, who isn’t just any sensory perspective, she represents my sensory heart-body aspect.

Once we began to understand where Pierce was coming from (his boundaried self) it became much easier to interact with him. Through those interactions, Deeann learned to -tentatively- ask for what she needed and, after that, for what she wanted. And slowly we began to understand that there’s a huge difference between being needy and having needs.

And that was just the beginning. I’ve since explored that dynamic from the mental aspect as well, because, being so empathic, I tend to lean into things even when I should lean out of them. So when people think I’m ‘X’ even though I think ‘Y!’, I actually and unwittingly confirm their beliefs of me, letting them lock me into those beliefs in the process. And that is another thing Pierce has taught me: you can’t erase a lie that you’ve been locked into by talking about it. You have to radiate your truth. Don’t talk about what the other sees, don’t respond to that, don’t feed into any of it, just radiate what You see.

With his help I’ve learned to understand that, because I have this habit of beating about the bush and not expressing my needs clearly, but, instead, through inadvertent manipulation, I come across as needy.

This has, in the past, attracted some very strong abusive players who had absolutely no qualms about taking me for everything I had while simultaneously rejecting every single need I had, reducing all of those needs to ’me being needy’ – a lie I let them lock me into.

Oddly enough, or so I felt at the time anyway: this was something these players invariably blamed me for: being needy. To the point where I couldn’t really differentiate between the two. Simply having needs felt like being needy; I didn’t know the difference.

Working with Pierce on this topic has helped me see that those are, in fact, two entirely different things, and whenever I fall into ’needy’ he stops me. Because he won’t be manipulated.

Having Needs is not the same as Being Needy

You may have heard me talk about my guides. They’re not your regular angelic guides (I work with those as well). No, my daily guides are a deliberate product of my imagination.
As a writer I have created characters whose frequency aligns with whatever concept I need to address, and then we converse. Sometimes a new character will present and then I sit back -or rather, forward, as I write- and I let it unfold.

For me these energies are tangible and real in the sense that they help me achieve insights into the dynamic of relationships. Even the most antagonistic of energies is infinitely patient in that I can explore and re-explore a topic over and over until I catch what previously eluded me. Of course, they don’t really have much of a choice: I just write the same situation out. I control the pen. Then again, as any writer will tell you: we don’t control the pen. Our characters control the pen. That’s exactly why we write.

Recently a new guide appeared, a new character in my imaginary novel. His name is Pierce and he first appeared two years ago, fairly antagonistically. He then retreated into the background from where he reemerged earlier this year.

I typically use an energy like his so that I can learn to reinforce my boundaries. Since we can revisit the same situation over and over, I get a true feeling for the dynamic. I get to see what happens when I do ’this’ and how he responds when I do ’that’.
This past month something shifted as I began to realise just what makes him respond antagonistically. It had already become a bit of a habit that I would say something and he would scoff and walk away.

But. He is the close and intimate friend of my most trusted guide, and so, to dismiss him likewise and get on with my life, which might otherwise have been a sound choice, was not really an option – apart, obviously, from the fact that I am the one letting him into my awareness.

So I started paying renewed attention to him and I began to see that, antagonism aside, I actually quite respect him. He does things that I can only dream of. Not only that, he’s perfectly okay with being the antagonist in someone else’s story. And he’s okay with it because he knows the truth about himself: he does want he wants, he goes after what he wants, and he gets what he wants.

And here’s the thing: can you honestly say you don’t want exactly that?

I know I do! To radiate my own being, obviously without resorting to pressure or violence in any way shape or form, and without resorting to manipulation, and to, just by standing in my truth, achieve what I want, get what I want. That’s my ultimate dream!

And Pierce was a living and breathing (okay, imaginary) example of exactly that. Of course I was going to pay attention.

Now, I approach all of my interactions with my guides from one of five levels. I can engage from a spiritual perspective – in which case the name of the character interacting with Pierce is Hermione. I can also engage from a mental perspective – told you, imagination is my friend – in which case the interaction is between Pierce and Cindy. And then there’s Deeann, who represents the sensory heart-body perspective. The fourth is Dakota, who represents all three of these perspectives in one. And sometimes I’ll engage as Dani, because, why not.

I soon realised that the energy Pierce most struggled with, and she in turn with him, was Deeann. Deeann, my sensory aspect, is exquisitely sensitive and too empathic for her own good. And she has zero boundaries – or had, I should say, cos Pierce has been setting her straight there.

And as I explored the dynamic between them, I began to see that Pierce had zero patience for exactly that lack of boundaries, and whenever Deeann, overwhelmed by everything that was going on in her life, switched into victim mode, he would simply walk away. He refused to engage with her whenever she was on that frequency.

At first that seemed rude and unnecessarily blunt but as a writer you have to create credible characters, and so I felt into his motivations: why would he, best friend of my best friend, present so selfishly to someone who was running on fumes?

That’s when I realised that Pierce, appearances notwithstanding, is actually on that same awareness level as Deeann: the sensory heart-body. Except, he is the other side of that same medal: boundaried, accomplished, decided.

And I don’t mind admitting I never saw that coming, certainly not two years ago. But when I explored him from that perspective, I realised that he really (really!) did not like Deeann and for one very simple reason: Deeann wasn’t actually seeing him. She was reverberating off him, but she wasn’t truly engaging with him.

Now, this is a tough one to put into words, but from Pierce’s perspective it was really straightforward: he didn’t want Deeann hanging around him for the reasons that went on in her head. He wanted her to engage with who he actually is. And the reason why this is hard to put into words, is because it requires taking a closer look at what Deeann was doing.
Deeann, being so very empathic and unboundaried, is typically overwhelmed. Which is fine, except, she has learned, through her own upbringing, that the best way to get attention and help is by ‘letting the need seep into the relationship’.

The one thing she hasn’t learned is to simply ask for help.

When I was a kid, I had a poster on my wall of a sad looking kid despondently holding a flower. My father had brought it back from a trip to England, saying he thought the kid was cute and that she looked like me. His English is basically non-existent, and I don’t think he actually understood the caption, but the post had a large print that read, “Be nice to me, I’ve had a hard day.”

That energy, a sad little girl asking someone to ‘be nice cos she has had a hard day’, that is absolutely fucking nefast! It’s a breeding ground for trauma bonding.

And I looked at that poster for years and years and, being just a kid with no boundaries even then, the following message was hardwired into me: there has to be a reason for people to be nice to you and that reason is that ‘things are not okay, that you are not okay’.

But here’s the thing. Even the least sensitive person will respond to that energy, typically either by enabling the sender (often through trauma bonding, co-dependence or people-pleasing behaviour) or, conversely, by rejecting her. Why? Because the energy of ‘be nice to me because I’ve had a hard day’ is highly manipulative – even dark!

Be nice to me because I’m Me! Don’t be nice to me just because I’m an amazing person – which I am – but because I’m a person and if you can’t be nice to me, go elsewhere!

But that’s not something I ever learned and it’s not something I felt or radiated.

Those of us who are on that frequency of not feeling we can ask for help, and those of us who don’t simply expect people to just be nice to us, we don’t perceive our way as dark and manipulative. We simply need help and this is our way of asking for that help: by radiating our struggles: see me, see my hardship, give me your compassion.

And here was Pierce saying: Not on my watch. I don’t care if that’s where you are, but I’m not hanging around for any of that. If you want to engage with me, do it from the truth of who you are, not from some warped perception of who you think you are – which, incidentally, also warps your perception of me. I’m an amazing guy and you’re not seeing me. And if you’re not seeing me as I am, I’m not playing. Cos that’s a boundary!

Deep breath.

Cos that was a biggie to put into words. Also for Deeann, who isn’t just any sensory perspective, she represents my sensory heart-body aspect.

Once we began to understand where Pierce was coming from (his boundaried self) it became much easier to interact with him. Through those interactions, Deeann learned to -tentatively- ask for what she needed and, after that, for what she wanted. And slowly we began to understand that there’s a huge difference between being needy and having needs.

And that was just the beginning. I’ve since explored that dynamic from the mental aspect as well, because, being so empathic, I tend to lean into things even when I should lean out of them. So when people think I’m ‘X’ even though I think ‘Y!’, I actually and unwittingly confirm their beliefs of me, letting them lock me into those beliefs in the process. And that is another thing Pierce has taught me: you can’t erase a lie that you’ve been locked into by talking about it. You have to radiate your truth. Don’t talk about what the other sees, don’t respond to that, don’t feed into any of it, just radiate what You see.

With his help I’ve learned to understand that, because I have this habit of beating about the bush and not expressing my needs clearly, but, instead, through inadvertent manipulation, I come across as needy.

This has, in the past, attracted some very strong abusive players who had absolutely no qualms about taking me for everything I had while simultaneously rejecting every single need I had, reducing all of those needs to ’me being needy’ – a lie I let them lock me into.

Oddly enough, or so I felt at the time anyway: this was something these players invariably blamed me for: being needy. To the point where I couldn’t really differentiate between the two. Simply having needs felt like being needy; I didn’t know the difference.

Working with Pierce on this topic has helped me see that those are, in fact, two entirely different things, and whenever I fall into ’needy’ he stops me. Because he won’t be manipulated.

Having Needs is not the same as Being Needy

You may have heard me talk about my guides. They’re not your regular angelic guides (I work with those as well). No, my daily guides are a deliberate product of my imagination.
As a writer I have created characters whose frequency aligns with whatever concept I need to address, and then we converse. Sometimes a new character will present and then I sit back -or rather, forward, as I write- and I let it unfold.

For me these energies are tangible and real in the sense that they help me achieve insights into the dynamic of relationships. Even the most antagonistic of energies is infinitely patient in that I can explore and re-explore a topic over and over until I catch what previously eluded me. Of course, they don’t really have much of a choice: I just write the same situation out. I control the pen. Then again, as any writer will tell you: we don’t control the pen. Our characters control the pen. That’s exactly why we write.

Recently a new guide appeared, a new character in my imaginary novel. His name is Pierce and he first appeared two years ago, fairly antagonistically. He then retreated into the background from where he reemerged earlier this year.

I typically use an energy like his so that I can learn to reinforce my boundaries. Since we can revisit the same situation over and over, I get a true feeling for the dynamic. I get to see what happens when I do ’this’ and how he responds when I do ’that’.
This past month something shifted as I began to realise just what makes him respond antagonistically. It had already become a bit of a habit that I would say something and he would scoff and walk away.

But. He is the close and intimate friend of my most trusted guide, and so, to dismiss him likewise and get on with my life, which might otherwise have been a sound choice, was not really an option – apart, obviously, from the fact that I am the one letting him into my awareness.

So I started paying renewed attention to him and I began to see that, antagonism aside, I actually quite respect him. He does things that I can only dream of. Not only that, he’s perfectly okay with being the antagonist in someone else’s story. And he’s okay with it because he knows the truth about himself: he does want he wants, he goes after what he wants, and he gets what he wants.

And here’s the thing: can you honestly say you don’t want exactly that?

I know I do! To radiate my own being, obviously without resorting to pressure or violence in any way shape or form, and without resorting to manipulation, and to, just by standing in my truth, achieve what I want, get what I want. That’s my ultimate dream!

And Pierce was a living and breathing (okay, imaginary) example of exactly that. Of course I was going to pay attention.

Now, I approach all of my interactions with my guides from one of five levels. I can engage from a spiritual perspective – in which case the name of the character interacting with Pierce is Hermione. I can also engage from a mental perspective – told you, imagination is my friend – in which case the interaction is between Pierce and Cindy. And then there’s Deeann, who represents the sensory heart-body perspective. The fourth is Dakota, who represents all three of these perspectives in one. And sometimes I’ll engage as Dani, because, why not.

I soon realised that the energy Pierce most struggled with, and she in turn with him, was Deeann. Deeann, my sensory aspect, is exquisitely sensitive and too empathic for her own good. And she has zero boundaries – or had, I should say, cos Pierce has been setting her straight there.

And as I explored the dynamic between them, I began to see that Pierce had zero patience for exactly that lack of boundaries, and whenever Deeann, overwhelmed by everything that was going on in her life, switched into victim mode, he would simply walk away. He refused to engage with her whenever she was on that frequency.

At first that seemed rude and unnecessarily blunt but as a writer you have to create credible characters, and so I felt into his motivations: why would he, best friend of my best friend, present so selfishly to someone who was running on fumes?

That’s when I realised that Pierce, appearances notwithstanding, is actually on that same awareness level as Deeann: the sensory heart-body. Except, he is the other side of that same medal: boundaried, accomplished, decided.

And I don’t mind admitting I never saw that coming, certainly not two years ago. But when I explored him from that perspective, I realised that he really (really!) did not like Deeann and for one very simple reason: Deeann wasn’t actually seeing him. She was reverberating off him, but she wasn’t truly engaging with him.

Now, this is a tough one to put into words, but from Pierce’s perspective it was really straightforward: he didn’t want Deeann hanging around him for the reasons that went on in her head. He wanted her to engage with who he actually is. And the reason why this is hard to put into words, is because it requires taking a closer look at what Deeann was doing.
Deeann, being so very empathic and unboundaried, is typically overwhelmed. Which is fine, except, she has learned, through her own upbringing, that the best way to get attention and help is by ‘letting the need seep into the relationship’.

The one thing she hasn’t learned is to simply ask for help.

When I was a kid, I had a poster on my wall of a sad looking kid despondently holding a flower. My father had brought it back from a trip to England, saying he thought the kid was cute and that she looked like me. His English is basically non-existent, and I don’t think he actually understood the caption, but the post had a large print that read, “Be nice to me, I’ve had a hard day.”

That energy, a sad little girl asking someone to ‘be nice cos she has had a hard day’, that is absolutely fucking nefast! It’s a breeding ground for trauma bonding.

And I looked at that poster for years and years and, being just a kid with no boundaries even then, the following message was hardwired into me: there has to be a reason for people to be nice to you and that reason is that ‘things are not okay, that you are not okay’.

But here’s the thing. Even the least sensitive person will respond to that energy, typically either by enabling the sender (often through trauma bonding, co-dependence or people-pleasing behaviour) or, conversely, by rejecting her. Why? Because the energy of ‘be nice to me because I’ve had a hard day’ is highly manipulative – even dark!

Be nice to me because I’m Me! Don’t be nice to me just because I’m an amazing person – which I am – but because I’m a person and if you can’t be nice to me, go elsewhere!

But that’s not something I ever learned and it’s not something I felt or radiated.

Those of us who are on that frequency of not feeling we can ask for help, and those of us who don’t simply expect people to just be nice to us, we don’t perceive our way as dark and manipulative. We simply need help and this is our way of asking for that help: by radiating our struggles: see me, see my hardship, give me your compassion.

And here was Pierce saying: Not on my watch. I don’t care if that’s where you are, but I’m not hanging around for any of that. If you want to engage with me, do it from the truth of who you are, not from some warped perception of who you think you are – which, incidentally, also warps your perception of me. I’m an amazing guy and you’re not seeing me. And if you’re not seeing me as I am, I’m not playing. Cos that’s a boundary!

Deep breath.

Cos that was a biggie to put into words. Also for Deeann, who isn’t just any sensory perspective, she represents my sensory heart-body aspect.

Once we began to understand where Pierce was coming from (his boundaried self) it became much easier to interact with him. Through those interactions, Deeann learned to -tentatively- ask for what she needed and, after that, for what she wanted. And slowly we began to understand that there’s a huge difference between being needy and having needs.

And that was just the beginning. I’ve since explored that dynamic from the mental aspect as well, because, being so empathic, I tend to lean into things even when I should lean out of them. So when people think I’m ‘X’ even though I think ‘Y!’, I actually and unwittingly confirm their beliefs of me, letting them lock me into those beliefs in the process. And that is another thing Pierce has taught me: you can’t erase a lie that you’ve been locked into by talking about it. You have to radiate your truth. Don’t talk about what the other sees, don’t respond to that, don’t feed into any of it, just radiate what You see.

With his help I’ve learned to understand that, because I have this habit of beating about the bush and not expressing my needs clearly, but, instead, through inadvertent manipulation, I come across as needy.

This has, in the past, attracted some very strong abusive players who had absolutely no qualms about taking me for everything I had while simultaneously rejecting every single need I had, reducing all of those needs to ’me being needy’ – a lie I let them lock me into.

Oddly enough, or so I felt at the time anyway: this was something these players invariably blamed me for: being needy. To the point where I couldn’t really differentiate between the two. Simply having needs felt like being needy; I didn’t know the difference.

Working with Pierce on this topic has helped me see that those are, in fact, two entirely different things, and whenever I fall into ’needy’ he stops me. Because he won’t be manipulated.

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Hi! I'm Dani and I'm here to help!

I’m your girl if:

    • You’re on the fence about how to do something meaningful with your life or you feel held back by conflicting priorities
    • You love understanding yourself and working on yourself, but you feel it’s probably time to graduate, implement it all and actually move forward
    • You want to know what’s pulling you off-track whenever you make headway
    • You want to know what’s keeping you from actual success when you know you’ve got what it takes to shine.

Here’s how you can connect with me

Join our intimate FB group, meet your tribe (yep, you’re not alone!)

Hi! I'm Dani and I'm here to help!

I’m your girl if:

    • You’re on the fence about how to do something meaningful with your life or you feel held back by conflicting priorities
    • You love understanding yourself and working on yourself, but you feel it’s probably time to graduate, implement it all and actually move forward
    • You want to know what’s pulling you off-track whenever you make headway
    • You want to know what’s keeping you from actual success when you know you’ve got what it takes to shine.

Here’s how you can connect with me

Join our intimate FB group, meet your tribe (yep, you’re not alone!)

Hi! I'm Dani and I'm here to help!

I’m your girl if:

    • You’re on the fence about how to do something meaningful with your life or you feel held back by conflicting priorities
    • You love understanding yourself and working on yourself, but you feel it’s probably time to graduate, implement it all and actually move forward
    • You want to know what’s pulling you off-track whenever you make headway
    • You want to know what’s keeping you from actual success when you know you’ve got what it takes to shine.

Here’s how you can connect with me

Join our intimate FB group, meet your tribe (yep, you’re not alone!)

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