Chapter 3: Pierce and the Sliding Sense of Self

Pierce is a character in my imaginary novel and he showed up as quite the antagonist – sharp, confident, impossible to ignore. The character he clashed with most is Deeann – sensitive and unboundaried to a fault. She represents my sensory self, the Ku: the Heart-Body.

Dynamics are an interesting thing.

I ended the last post by saying that dynamics are never straightforward, not in relationships – and not in manifesting. There is always an action that precedes even the very first action.

Deeann, my Ku, is feeling defensive because Pierce poses a threat that she wants to neutralise. She can neutralise such a threat

• either by getting on his good side – so that she no longer offends him (defensive safety via the Ku, the Heart-Body Self)
• or by understanding what makes him tick – so that she can do better (proactive growth through Lono, the Cognitive Self).

Conclusion: Irrelevant

Long before Deeann realised he might pose a threat, Pierce had already charted her as irrelevant.

Why?

Well, when you look closely at Deeann – certainly in those days – you can see that the world is just a little bit too much for her.

In some that might activate the care-taker, but in others -especially in go-getters- it activates resistance. One look at her and Pierce knew exactly where she was on the ANS sliding scale. He had neither the words nor the inclination to connect with the reason why, but he knew he wasn’t interested in forging any kind of relationship with her.

Had he not been ‘a character in my imaginary novel’, we would have likewise let him walk. Buh-bye and good riddance!

But he was there, and I wanted to know. So I paid attention. And I noticed one dynamic after another.

Locked into Opposing Roles

Deeann and Pierce are both expressions of the Ku, of the Heart-Body, but on opposite sides of the scale – and they had locked each other into opposing roles right from the start.

When you lock somebody into a role, you see them a specific way – independent of who they think they are.

But unlike Pierce, who (mostly) stays grounded in his own identity, Deeann felt herself slide. And she did what I see wounded empaths do without exception: we play the part that is assigned to us.

In Deean’s case, the more she lost her self, the more she adjusted herself to his opinion of her: that of a useless, fawning sycophant.

The Empath Double Bind

And that’s where the dynamic becomes a maze that Triunes may recognise only too well. Because now two things happen: her sycophancy pisses him off – but she’s also deeply unhappy herself, because this is not who she is!

Fawning is a trauma response. It can flare up in specific situations and it indicates the person feels unsafe. Now, if someone feels unsafe in your presence, does that mean you are unsafe? Obviously not necessarily!

Deeann, however, feeling locked into an identity that doesn’t do her justice, would obviously beg to differ. Meanwhile she’s radiating to Pierce that he’s unsafe – just because she doesn’t have the tools to handle him.

But what’s there to handle, really, beyond him not accommodating her by diluting his presence?

Casting Pierce as the Antagonist

That isn’t to say that Pierce isn’t affected. And that’s the crux of a dynamic that is all too often overlooked: by perceiving him as a threat, Pierce got locked into the role of the bad guy.

I mean, how did I present him in the first chapter? How have I been introducing him? As the antagonist!

And why?

Because, unlike Deeann, he doesn’t self-efface or automatically accommodate the other. For Deeann, that is a default setting. Pierce, on the other hand, expects accountability and maturity, not wimpy attempts at manipulation.

Yes, manipulation – the next layer of this dynamic.

And there we get to the heart of the matter. Quite literally. So far I’ve been narrating from the perspective of my Cognitive Self. She’s pretty analytical, wants to make sure everything lands – and has even included a little summary for you below.

What comes next is much more the lived experience. Different voice, different style, different pace.

Enjoy!

Here’s that quick recap of what surfaced so far:

Pierce and Deeann both represent the Ku, the Heart-Body, but they are on opposing ends of the scale:

• Deeann lacks all boundaries while Pierce enforces his.
• Deeann has very little confidence while Pierce radiates his.
• Deeann barely knows what she wants while Pierce is very decisive.

They both project their own identity:

• She expects him to be more accommodating. That’s how she handles everything.
• He expects accountability. That’s how he handles everything.

And they both allow themselves to be locked into something they’re not:

• Losing her tenuous sense of self in his presence, she becomes as a fawning sycophant.
• Because his presence is seen as a threat, he becomes the antagonist.

They also both assume she is the problem.

• She, because she internalises everything. He, because he doesn’t.

The big difference?

• She’s a wounded empath in urgent need of Nervous System Regulation.
• He is not. In fact, he is the shining example of a healthy Ku.

And if truth be told: that’s what I wanted for myself.

It’s why we have these conversations to begin with; it’s why we have an Imaginary Novel.

Chapter 3: Pierce and the Sliding Sense of Self

Dynamics are an interesting thing.

I ended the last post by saying that dynamics are never straightforward, not in relationships – and not in manifesting. There is always an action that precedes even the very first action.

Deeann, my Ku, is feeling defensive because Pierce poses a threat that she wants to neutralise. She can neutralise such a threat

• either by getting on his good side – so that she no longer offends him (defensive safety via the Ku, the Heart-Body Self)
• or by understanding what makes him tick – so that she can do better (proactive growth through Lono, the Cognitive Self).

Conclusion: Irrelevant

Long before Deeann realised he might pose a threat, Pierce had already charted her as irrelevant.

Why?

Well, when you look closely at Deeann – certainly in those days – you can see that the world is just a little bit too much for her.

In some that might activate the care-taker, but in others -especially in go-getters- it activates resistance. One look at her and Pierce knew exactly where she was on the ANS sliding scale. He had neither the words nor the inclination to connect with the reason why, but he knew he wasn’t interested in forging any kind of relationship with her.

Had he not been ‘a character in my imaginary novel’, we would have likewise let him walk. Buh-bye and good riddance!

But he was there, and I wanted to know. So I paid attention. And I noticed one dynamic after another.

Locked into Opposing Roles

Deeann and Pierce are both expressions of the Ku, of the Heart-Body, but on opposite sides of the scale – and they had locked each other into opposing roles right from the start.

When you lock somebody into a role, you see them a specific way – independent of who they think they are.

But unlike Pierce, who (mostly) stays grounded in his own identity, Deeann felt herself slide. And she did what I see wounded empaths do without exception: we play the part that is assigned to us.

In Deean’s case, the more she lost her self, the more she adjusted herself to his opinion of her: that of a useless, fawning sycophant.

The Empath Double Bind

And that’s where the dynamic becomes a maze that Triunes may recognise only too well. Because now two things happen: her sycophancy pisses him off – but she’s also deeply unhappy herself, because this is not who she is!

Fawning is a trauma response. It can flare up in specific situations and it indicates the person feels unsafe. Now, if someone feels unsafe in your presence, does that mean you are unsafe? Obviously not necessarily!

Deeann, however, feeling locked into an identity that doesn’t do her justice, would obviously beg to differ. Meanwhile she’s radiating to Pierce that he’s unsafe – just because she doesn’t have the tools to handle him.

But what’s there to handle, really, beyond him not accommodating her by diluting his presence?

Casting Pierce as the Antagonist

That isn’t to say that Pierce isn’t affected. And that’s the crux of a dynamic that is all too often overlooked: by perceiving him as a threat, Pierce got locked into the role of the bad guy.

I mean, how did I present him in the first chapter? How have I been introducing him? As the antagonist!

And why?

Because, unlike Deeann, he doesn’t self-efface or automatically accommodate the other. For Deeann, that is a default setting. Pierce, on the other hand, expects accountability and maturity, not wimpy attempts at manipulation.

Yes, manipulation – the next layer of this dynamic.

And there we get to the heart of the matter. Quite literally. So far I’ve been narrating from the perspective of my Cognitive Self. She’s pretty analytical, wants to make sure everything lands – and has even included a little summary for you below.

What comes next is much more the lived experience. Different voice, different style, different pace.

Enjoy!

Here’s that quick recap of what surfaced so far:

Pierce and Deeann both represent the Ku, the Heart-Body, but they are on opposing ends of the scale:

• Deeann lacks all boundaries while Pierce enforces his.
• Deeann has very little confidence while Pierce radiates his.
• Deeann barely knows what she wants while Pierce is very decisive.

They both project their own identity:

• She expects him to be more accommodating. That’s how she handles everything.
• He expects accountability. That’s how he handles everything.

And they both allow themselves to be locked into something they’re not:

• Losing her tenuous sense of self in his presence, she becomes as a fawning sycophant.
• Because his presence is seen as a threat, he becomes the antagonist.

They also both assume she is the problem.

• She, because she internalises everything. He, because he doesn’t.

The big difference?

• She’s a wounded empath in urgent need of Nervous System Regulation.
• He is not. In fact, he is the shining example of a healthy Ku.

And if truth be told: that’s what I wanted for myself.

It’s why we have these conversations to begin with; it’s why we have an Imaginary Novel.