Chapter 2: Pierce and the Fawn Response

Pierce is a character in my imaginary novel and he showed up as quite the antagonist — sharp, confident, impossible to ignore. The character he clashed with most was Deeann, sensitive and unboundaried to a fault.

I ended the last post by saying Pierce had no intention of wasting any time whatsoever on a fawning sycophant like Deeann. That’s quite the statement, given that Deeann represents my own sensory self, my heart-body, and so – creative liberties aside – that’s myself I’m talking about.

So, someone like Pierce would not waste any time on a fawning sycophant — like me?

Wait, whut?

The Four Trauma Responses

If you’re familiar with the Autonomic Nervous System (ANS), you may know that there are four trauma responses. The always-mentioned Fight or Flight, the lesser known Freeze and the fairly new addition: Fawn.

Each of these responses has its use – but they can remain in your system and mess things up. Just to make sure we’re on the same page here:

• Sometimes you have to hold your ground and Fight. When you’re stuck in that mode, you go around carrying anger in your system.
• Sometimes you’ve got to get the hell out: Flight. If you’re continually worried for your safety and well-being, that response can become your default setting.
• Sometimes there’s absolutely nothing you can do: your system can’t handle it, and to preserve life force, it shuts down: Freeze. Without proper regulating, or with repeated occurrences, this can impact the ANS in such a way that it stays stuck in freeze.
• Sometimes a situation can be defused simply by placating the ‘assailant’, whether it’s an angry customer or a rebellious teenager.
  However, when a child learns that its safety depends on just how ‘nice & helpful’ she is, the ANS can end up stuck in Fawn.

Fawning in Everyday Life

As trauma responses all four (and combinations thereof) need regulating — if only because they are symptoms of an autonomic nervous system that is begging for help.

But there’s something about Fawning that most people don’t realise, which is: the adverse effect it has on perfectly normal people. No matter how (in)sensitive they are, their system will pick up that you are afraid of them. And they won’t like it.

Now, when I feel someone is afraid of me, my go-to response is to put them at ease. It’s what empaths do. But when you look at that response a little more closely, that’s actually my fawn response in action: through my empathy I pick up on their discomfort. And it is uncomfortable to me – so I change how I present.

That bears repeating: I change how I present.

The Empath as Chameleon

Most empaths are chameleons. In their infancy, their sense of security and belonging depended on it.

Pierce, however, representing a well-regulated sensory self, does not change how he presents.

Now take a moment to feel into that.

Did you just go: “Huh! How unkind!” / “How inflexible!”
Or did part of you think, “Huh! I wouldn’t mind me some of that!”

The Underlying Dynamic

Personally, I wouldn’t mind me some of that: to be so comfortable with myself and my behaviour, that even when someone comes along who expects me to change, I don’t.

Deeann, on the other hand, however unwittingly, sizes people up by their willingness to be accommodating — and when they’re not, threat alerts go off.
Being utterly dysregulated – stuck in both Freeze & Fawn – Pierce’s mere presence felt like a threat to her.

And the same way dogs can get aggressive just because you’re afraid of them, Pierce was triggered just because she was afraid of him.
From his perspective she had no valid reason whatsoever – and he resented her for it.

See the loop there? That’s the power of dynamics. And dynamics are never straightforward, not in relationships – and not in manifesting.

There is always an action that preceded even the very first action. The trick is to step back far enough to see what actually happened.

Let’s take a closer look at that in the next post, where I’ll show you that, long before Deeann realised he might form a threat, Pierce had already dismissed her as irrelevant – and why.

Chapter 2: Pierce and the Fawn Response

Pierce is a character in my imaginary novel and he showed up as quite the antagonist — sharp, confident, impossible to ignore. The character he clashed with most was Deeann, sensitive and unboundaried to a fault.

I ended the last post by saying Pierce had no intention of wasting any time whatsoever on a fawning sycophant like Deeann. That’s quite the statement, given that Deeann represents my own sensory self, my heart-body, and so – creative liberties aside – that’s myself I’m talking about.

So, someone like Pierce would not waste any time on a fawning sycophant — like me?

Wait, whut?

The Four Trauma Responses

If you’re familiar with the Autonomic Nervous System (ANS), you may know that there are four trauma responses. The always-mentioned Fight or Flight, the lesser known Freeze and the fairly new addition: Fawn.

Each of these responses has its use – but they can remain in your system and mess things up. Just to make sure we’re on the same page here:

• Sometimes you have to hold your ground and Fight. When you’re stuck in that mode, you go around carrying anger in your system.
• Sometimes you’ve got to get the hell out: Flight. If you’re continually worried for your safety and well-being, that response can become your default setting.
• Sometimes there’s absolutely nothing you can do: your system can’t handle it, and to preserve life force, it shuts down: Freeze. Without proper regulating, or with repeated occurrences, this can impact the ANS in such a way that it stays stuck in freeze.
• Sometimes a situation can be defused simply by placating the ‘assailant’, whether it’s an angry customer or a rebellious teenager.
  However, when a child learns that its safety depends on just how ‘nice & helpful’ she is, the ANS can end up stuck in Fawn.

Fawning in Everyday Life

As trauma responses all four (and combinations thereof) need regulating — if only because they are symptoms of an autonomic nervous system that is begging for help.

But there’s something about Fawning that most people don’t realise, which is: the adverse effect it has on perfectly normal people. No matter how (in)sensitive they are, their system will pick up that you are afraid of them. And they won’t like it.

Now, when I feel someone is afraid of me, my go-to response is to put them at ease. It’s what empaths do. But when you look at that response a little more closely, that’s actually my fawn response in action: through my empathy I pick up on their discomfort. And it is uncomfortable to me – so I change how I present.

That bears repeating: I change how I present.

The Empath as Chameleon

Most empaths are chameleons. In their infancy, their sense of security and belonging depended on it.

Pierce, however, representing a well-regulated sensory self, does not change how he presents.

Now take a moment to feel into that.

Did you just go: “Huh! How unkind!” / “How inflexible!”
Or did part of you think, “Huh! I wouldn’t mind me some of that!”

The Underlying Dynamic

Personally, I wouldn’t mind me some of that: to be so comfortable with myself and my behaviour, that even when someone comes along who expects me to change, I don’t.

Deeann, on the other hand, however unwittingly, sizes people up by their willingness to be accommodating — and when they’re not, threat alerts go off.
Being utterly dysregulated – stuck in both Freeze & Fawn – Pierce’s mere presence felt like a threat to her.

And the same way dogs can get aggressive just because you’re afraid of them, Pierce was triggered just because she was afraid of him.
From his perspective she had no valid reason whatsoever – and he resented her for it.

See the loop there? That’s the power of dynamics. And dynamics are never straightforward, not in relationships – and not in manifesting.

There is always an action that preceded even the very first action. The trick is to step back far enough to see what actually happened.

Let’s take a closer look at that in the next post, where I’ll show you that, long before Deeann realised he might form a threat, Pierce had already dismissed her as irrelevant – and why.